“I just wonder what you would say to a woman who is Christian with not a one prospect. Most Christian men I have befriended ended up not committing. It is like they are scared to. Then the ones who aren't Christian want to get to know me. What am I to do? Praying for decades hasn't worked. I haven't been on a date since I got saved. Part of me wonders if it is worth it to wait for a man who loves God. They all seem afraid to be husbands. I give up...” (Marrying Over 40 follower)
Several years ago, I, or at least one of my girlfriends, could have easily written this question and the comments. One girlfriend actually became so frustrated that she refused to attend any more weddings! Here are a few suggestions to help you through your season of singlehood:
1) Pray. Tell God exactly how you feel.
Don’t worry about surprising Him with your anger or frustration. Psalms 139:2 reads: You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I'm far away (The Living Translation).
2) Get some rest.
I know when I’m tried, I’m more apt to be irritable and view everything through my negative-colored glasses.
3) Share a laugh with a friend or watch your favorite comedy show.
According to Natural News.Com, laughter moves lymph fluid around your body simply by the convulsions you experience during the process of laughing; so it boosts immune system function and helps clear out old, dead waste products from organs and tissues. No wonder Proverbs 17:22 reads:
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength.(The Living Bible)
4) Pray for the husband that God is going to send you.
I remember the first time I heard this I was surprised. Then it made sense because unless the man God is sending you hasn't been born yet, he is facing challenges just like you.
I think I read this statement over 20 years ago in Your Half Of The Apple: God and the Single Girl by Gini Andrews. What a powerful impact that made on me.
5) Realize that God’s man for you may not be a Christian yet. God is still working on him.
Too many seasoned believers fail to tell single new Christians that it is possible that you can be unequally yoked” with another believer.
Let me explain. A brother may be “Mr. Super Christian” within the church building, but does not act the same way outside of the church building! Read my article about a few of the warning signs.
I do suggest, after much prayer, get to know (not in the biblical sense) a single man with good morals. Introduce him to your beliefs. Do not fall into the trap of soul-winning for you and Jesus. Commit him and your relationship to the Lord.
6) Write a Thankful/Count Your Blessings List.
A University of Connecticut study found, a grateful heart is a healthier heart. Patients who viewed their first heart attack as a blessing in disguise, for giving them a new appreciation for life were less likely to have a second attack than those who blamed their heart troubles on others.
Being thankful is not only good for your physical health, it's good for your spiritual health! I won't mention the numerous scriptures such as Psalm 107:1 which states, "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.
Make a list of 100 things you are grateful for and read the list when you start to feel sorry for yourself.
As the old gospel song says, "Count your Blessings. Name them one by one. Then it will surprise you what the Lord has done!"
I'm also offering Hope Calls Faith Walks For Single Christian Women. Whether you use this coaching service or not, I would love to hear from you! Be encouraged!
|Photo by Jon Sullivan|
I was 27 years old and my clock was ticking loudly to meet Mr. Super Christian. My goal of getting married and having a baby by age 30 was near. Christian sisters, family, friends and enemies were reaching their goal of marriage by age 30. What was I doing wrong? I was more faithful--- in my eyes than they were. Finally, I learned “the secret” by observing how one sister operated. She always seemed to have dates.
She said her first marriage didn’t work because her mate was too immature. Within a few months after her divorce, she was back on the dating scene, dating heavily. The secret I learned from observing her was she practiced what I call “Soul-Winning For a Mate Then Jesus.”
I need not explain how “Soul-Winning For a Mate Then Jesus" works. It's self explanatory, but just to make sure you understand, I will describe the process.
Step 1: You meet a single man who is appealing to you.
Step 2: You discover by talking with him that he's not a Christian. He may even harbor bitter feelings toward Christianity.
Step 3: You agree to go out on a date with your handsome suitor, maybe, even a few dates.
Step 4: He's passes your test of what you look for in a mate so it's time to win him "for" the Lord.
Step 5: You invite him to church, bible study and to all your "Christian" activities.
Step 6: If he doesn't become a Christian during your specific time frame, you throw him back to the world and start the process again.
Interesting process, isn't it? Nothing is wrong with the goal of soul-winning because we are told to do this in the scriptures (Matthew 28:19-20) nor is anything wrong with inviting a date to hear God's Word. What is wrong with the above process is if you examine your heart, you are really on a mission to win a man to the Lord for you and then for Jesus. You want him to become a Christian so that he can become a suitable mate for you. Jesus wants him to become a Christian to save his soul and to enjoy a rich, abundant life.
I’ve been where you are now: over 35 nearing 40, desiring a mate, a man in the Lord. And, in most churches single women outnumber single men. Too often I thought my chances of getting married to God’s man was as impossible as a donkey holding a conversation (Numbers 22:28)!
If you're practicing "Soul-Winning For a Mate Then Jesus" I encourage you to stop. This practice is mainly rooted in faith and doubt. Ask God to help you see the date who comes to church with you as He sees him---a man in need of the Lord.
Pray to God to give you the trust you need to release your date to Him. I can’t promise that God will give you this man as a mate. I can promise that if you are faithful to the Lord, He will not withhold any good thing from you (Psalm 84:11).
As I walked away from the store with my purchase, I smiled knowing that God had used my experience to teach me a valuable lesson: a lesson about unfair conclusions, misconceptions, and inaccurate judgment.
Recognizing God’s mate for us is often difficult because of our own misconceptions. We often think we know how our man will look, talk and smile. (I know I did, too.) We give little thought to the racial appearance of our future mate because we assume he will look like us. However, a quick study of the scriptures will show examples after examples that God’s thoughts are not our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8).
I encourage my single Christian sisters who are over 35 and over 40 to open your hearts to the beautiful rainbow (men) of colors that our Father has put in the world. I encourage you to examine the color of their hearts more than you examine the color of their skin.
Join Marry Over 40 By Faith on Facebook and Twitter.
“Women in their late 30s and 40s are flooded with negative information about their probability of getting married to having healthy babies,” says Cynthia Wilson James, author of Marry Over 40 By Faith and founder of InSeasonMom, recognized by CBS New York and MSNBC as a leading resource for first time moms over 35.
"This is especially discouraging for Christian women who are professionals,” says Cynthia, who married for the first time at age 40, conceived naturally and gave birth at age 42 and 44 to two healthy daughters. “Professional women may be on top of their career, but they still want a husband, someone to share their lives.
Unfortunately, most churches or programs do not minister to the needs of older single Christian women. They may address a woman not being married after a certain age in a joking manner in a sermon. But, it’s not a joke to the woman who doesn’t want to be single.”
“Hope Calls Faith Walks for Single Christian Women" provides emotional support and doesn’t take the place of psychotherapy or professional counseling. Cynthia says “It’s not a substitution for professional mental or medical health advice. It’s more like talking to a good friend who’s been through what you’re going through; someone who can relate and encourage you in your journey with action steps. It's coaching and mentoring!”
HOPE CALLS FAITH WALKS-Live Support includes:
● 30-45 minutes of live emotional support via telephone weekly
● Email support to stay in touch between sessions
● Action steps you can use now focusing on your mental, physical and spiritual health discussed and emailed weekly
● Helpful/Inspiring resources (article links/ book suggestions/ quotes) emailed weekly
● Time to share what’s on your heart
● Private Christian faith-based support from Cynthia who married at 40, conceived naturally and gave birth at age 42 and 44 to healthy children
1-Month (4 consecutive weeks) $199
2-Months (8 consecutive weeks) $388 (discounted $10)
HOPE CALLS FAITH WALKS 1-Hour- Need to Talk
You’re not hiding something illegal or you don’t need psychotherapy. You’re just private and don’t want the whole world to know your business, especially the people at church or work. You want to talk to someone who will give you an objective opinion, someone like Cynthia who has walked the path of being a Christian single after35.
1-Hour- Need to Talk $55
Okay, I admit it. When I was single, I created a list of what I wanted in a mate. I’m a “list person,” meaning I enjoy making a list for everything. Did you know that your long “mate-shopping” list can be a hindrance in recognizing God’s man for you? Here are a few of the most popular items on single Christian women’s list:
Physical requirement. There are handsome men in the bible. David had two fine sons, Absalom (2 Sam. 14:25) and Adonijah (1 Kings 1:6). And, Joseph was so handsome (Gen. 39:6) that I'm convinced his beauty played a role in getting him locked up! And ladies, be honest. Who doesn’t want a Shemar Moore or John Stamos look-a-like?
However, physical beauty changes throughout the years. The beautiful head of hair becomes thin or ashy grey. Sadly, healthy young people as well as old are stricken with an unexpected handicap or disease. Accidents disfigure even the most beautiful people. Maybe, this is one of the main reasons God said to Samuel in 1Samuel 16:7 “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” English Standard Version (ESV)
Career/Education/Financial Status. The showoff partner is the first cousin to the trophy wife. His status, whether it is career, education or finance, impresses you and others at parties, church, class reunions and other public functions.
The truth is your relationship, especially your marriage, will not be lived out at church, parties or class reunions. What will become most important is how he treats you. Does he builds you up most of the time or slowly destroys your self-esteem?
Deal-breakers. There should be major deal breakers or refuse to accept on your list. But, no man will have everything you want on your list. Do not expect any man to fulfill all your needs. Only God can do this! Go to God and continue to ask him to open your eyes to the man that he wants to be your husband.
What are your thoughts about making an Ideal Mate List?
“Women in their late 30s and 40s are flooded with negative information about their probability of getting married to having healthy babies,” says Cynthia, author of Marry Over 40 By Faith and founder of InSeasonMom, recognized by CBS New York and MSNBC as a leading resource for first time moms over 35.
My goal for Marry Over 40 blog is to do what God has allowed me to do with my InSeason Mom’s blog for women: to ease their fears by exposing myths with facts, to show them there is a Power greater than circumstances, there is Hope. There is God.
I’ve shared my story of getting married for the first time at age 40, conceiving naturally and giving birth at age 42 and 44 to two healthy daughters,” says Cynthia. “I know there are other Christian sisters who got married close to 40 or over 40. I want them to encourage single sisters with their testimony/marriage story. The Enemy is wrong! Marriage for older sisters is possible because “all things are possible with God. Mark 19: 26.”
If you desire to encourage others with your story, email email@example.com