Soul-Winning For a Mate Then Jesus?

Photo by Jon Sullivan

I was 27 years old and my clock was ticking loudly to meet Mr. Super Christian. My goal of getting married and having a baby by age 30 was near. Christian sisters, family, friends and enemies were reaching their goal of marriage by age 30. What was I doing wrong? I was more faithful--- in my eyes than they were. Finally, I learned “the secret” by observing how one sister operated. She always seemed to have dates.

She said her first marriage didn’t work because her mate was too immature. Within a few months after her divorce, she was back on the dating scene, dating heavily. The secret I learned from observing her was she practiced what I call “Soul-Winning For a Mate Then Jesus.”

I need not explain how “Soul-Winning For a Mate Then Jesus" works. It's self explanatory, but just to make sure you understand, I will describe the process.

Step 1:  You meet a single man who is appealing to you.
Step 2:  You discover by talking with him that he's not a Christian. He may even harbor bitter feelings toward Christianity.
Step 3:  You agree to go out on a date with your handsome suitor, maybe, even a few dates.
Step 4:  He's passes your test of what you look for in a mate so it's time to win him "for" the Lord.
Step 5:  You invite him to church, bible study and to all your "Christian" activities.
Step 6: If he doesn't become a Christian during your specific time frame, you throw him back to the world and start the process again.

Interesting process, isn't it? Nothing is wrong with the goal of soul-winning because we are told to do this in the scriptures (Matthew 28:19-20) nor is anything wrong with inviting a date to hear God's Word. What is wrong with the above process is if you examine your heart, you are really on a mission to win a man to the Lord for you and then for Jesus. You want him to become a Christian so that he can become a suitable mate for you. Jesus wants him to become a Christian to save his soul and to enjoy a rich, abundant life.

I’ve been where you are now: over 35 nearing 40, desiring a mate, a man in the Lord. And, in most churches single women outnumber single men. Too often I thought my chances of getting married to God’s man was as impossible as a donkey holding a conversation (Numbers 22:28)!

If you're practicing "Soul-Winning For a Mate Then Jesus" I encourage you to stop. This practice is mainly rooted in faith and doubt. Ask God to help you see the date who comes to church with you as He sees him---a man in need of the Lord.

Pray to God to give you the trust you need to release your date to Him. I can’t promise that God will give you this man as a mate. I can promise that if you are faithful to the Lord, He will not withhold any good thing from you (Psalm 84:11).

Interracial Dating, But God He’s---!

Yesterday, I went into a wonderful clothing store. I could hardly believe the style of clothes suited me perfectly. Since I dislike shopping, I usually go to the same two or three stores and look no further. However, yesterday, I ventured into a new store, which is in the same mall and only two stores down from one of “my” stores. This new store, which I have ignored for over 8 years, is now “my” list of stores, knocking one of the others off my list.

As I walked away from the store with my purchase, I smiled knowing that God had used my experience to teach me a valuable lesson: a lesson about unfair conclusions, misconceptions, and inaccurate judgment.

Recognizing God’s mate for us is often difficult because of our own misconceptions. We often think we know how our man will look, talk and smile. (I know I did, too.) We give little thought to the racial appearance of our future mate because we assume he will look like us. However, a quick study of the scriptures will show examples after examples that God’s thoughts are not our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8).

I’m not pretending that I don’t know interracial dating/marriage is still a hot emotionally charged topic. I’m not even pretending that I don’t know the damage the Enemy has and is still doing in this area. I do know that God recognizes two types of people: believers and unbelievers. I do know that God commands us to not to think like the world and to be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2)

I encourage my single Christian sisters who are over 35 and over 40 to open your hearts to the beautiful rainbow (men) of colors that our Father has put in the world. I encourage you to examine the color of their hearts more than you examine the color of their skin.

Join Marry Over 40 By Faith on Facebook and Twitter.


 “Women in their late 30s and 40s are flooded with negative information about their probability of getting married to having healthy babies,” says Cynthia Wilson James, author of Marry Over 40 By Faith and founder of InSeasonMom, recognized by CBS New York and MSNBC as a leading resource for first time moms over 35.

"This is especially discouraging for Christian women who are professionals,” says Cynthia, who married for the first time at age 40, conceived naturally and gave birth at age 42 and 44 to two healthy daughters.  “Professional women may be on top of their career, but they still want a husband, someone to share their lives.

Unfortunately, most churches or programs do not minister to the needs of older single Christian women. They may address a woman not being married after a certain age in a joking manner in a sermon. But, it’s not a joke to the woman who doesn’t want to be single.”

“Hope Calls Faith Walks for Single Christian Women" provides emotional support and doesn’t take the place of psychotherapy or professional counseling. Cynthia says “It’s not a substitution for professional mental or medical health advice.  It’s more like talking to a good friend who’s been through what you’re going through; someone who can relate and encourage you in your journey with action steps. It's coaching and mentoring!”

HOPE CALLS FAITH WALKS-Live Support includes:

●          30-45 minutes of live emotional support via telephone weekly
●          Email support to stay in touch between sessions
●          Action steps you can use now focusing on your mental, physical and spiritual health discussed and emailed weekly
●          Helpful/Inspiring resources (article links/ book suggestions/ quotes) emailed weekly
●          Time to share what’s on your heart
●          Private Christian faith-based support from Cynthia who married at 40, conceived naturally and gave birth at age 42 and 44 to healthy children

1-Month (4 consecutive weeks)                                 $199                                                 

2-Months (8 consecutive weeks)                               $388 (discounted $10)                        


You’re not hiding something illegal or you don’t need psychotherapy. You’re just private and don’t want the whole world to know your business, especially the people at church or work. You want to talk to someone who will give you an objective opinion, someone like Cynthia who has walked the path of being a Christian single after35.

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Future Husband/Ideal Mate Checklist?

Okay, I admit it. When I was single, I created a list of what I wanted in a mate.  I’m a “list person,” meaning I enjoy making a list for everything. Did you know that your long “mate-shopping” list can be a hindrance in recognizing God’s man for you? Here are a few of the most popular items on single Christian women’s list:

Physical requirement.  There are handsome men in the bible. David had two fine sons, Absalom (2 Sam. 14:25) and Adonijah (1 Kings 1:6). And, Joseph was so handsome (Gen. 39:6) that I'm convinced his beauty played a role in getting him locked up! And ladies, be honest. Who doesn’t want a Shemar Moore or John Stamos look-a-like?

However, physical beauty changes throughout the years. The beautiful head of hair becomes thin or ashy grey. Sadly, healthy young people as well as old are stricken with an unexpected handicap or disease. Accidents disfigure even the most beautiful people. Maybe, this is one of the main reasons God said to Samuel in 1Samuel 16:7 “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” English Standard Version (ESV)

Career/Education/Financial Status. The showoff partner is the first cousin to the trophy wife. His status, whether it is career, education or finance, impresses you and others at parties, church, class reunions and other public functions.

The truth is your relationship, especially your marriage, will not be lived out at church, parties or class reunions. What will become most important is how he treats you. Does he builds you up most of the time or slowly destroys your self-esteem?

Deal-breakers. There should be major deal breakers or refuse to accept on your list. But, no man will have everything you want on your list. Do not expect any man to fulfill all your needs. Only God can do this! Go to God and continue to ask him to open your eyes to the man that he wants to be your husband.  

What are your thoughts about making an Ideal Mate List? 

Feature Your Marry Over 40 Story

“Women in their late 30s and 40s are flooded with negative information about their probability of getting married to having healthy babies,” says Cynthia, author of Marry Over 40 By Faith and founder of InSeasonMom, recognized by CBS New York and MSNBC as a leading resource for first time moms over 35.

My goal for Marry Over 40 blog is to do what God has allowed me to do with my InSeason Mom’s blog for women: to ease their fears by exposing myths with facts, to show them there is a Power greater than circumstances, there is Hope. There is God.

I’ve shared my story of getting married for the first time at age 40, conceiving naturally and giving birth at age 42 and 44 to two healthy daughters,” says Cynthia.  “I know there are other Christian sisters who got married close to 40 or over 40. I want them to encourage single sisters with their testimony/marriage story.  The Enemy is wrong! Marriage for older sisters is possible because “all things are possible with God. Mark 19: 26.”

If you desire to encourage others with your story, email

Your Married Boyfriend Isn't God's Man for You

Many years ago the classic television series “Touched by An Angel” aired an episode called “An Unexpected Snow.”

The story was about an unexpected meeting between a man’s mistress and his wife over the Thanksgiving holiday.

“He’s not supposed to be married,” Megan (the mistress) argued. “He’s supposed to be with me. God made a mistake.”

“If something gets this ugly and this painful, God had nothing to do with it,” Monica (the angel) explained.

Satan often preys on Christian single women over 35 to make them think something godly can come out of their ungodly unison with a married man. Satan uses the men’s religious titles or his Super Christian status in the church to make the women think that they have landed a prize.

The married boyfriends say all the right words that single godly females who want to get married long to hear. Sisters, remember Eve was deceived by what the Enemy said (Genesis 3:4). These married boyfriends appear to be the answers to the single godly women prayers, but they are ravenous wolves (Matt. 7:15).

Let's stop talking about single godly females as a group and talk about "you" as an individual godly woman. To keep you in an ungodly relationship, the Enemy will magnify your fears—
fears of unbearable loneliness without this man and your fears of never finding a single man like your married man.

The truth is if you took a few minutes to really think about your relationship, you would find that your relationship with your married boyfriend isn’t as rosy as you would like to believe. If you took a few minutes to stop listening to the romantic love songs or looking at the romantic movies, you would discover your relationship is built on a weak foundation. Your relationship is built on a sand of lies (Matt 7:26-27) and a relationship built on lies is doom from the beginning.

Satan, the master deceiver, knows as long you, a godly woman, remain in the ungodly unison, what you want most will never come. God's man for you could walk in front of your face and you would never see it, not with your spiritual eyes. You have allowed the Enemy to blind you like an unbeliever (2 Cor. 4:4).  

I pray for you as Elisha prayed in 2 Kings 6:17, "O LORD, I pray, open (her) his eyes that (she) he may see…

You are a beautiful and valued daughter of the King, my sister!